Patience РNot My Strongest Quality 

August 2, 2016

After the end of The Summer Of Mexico I was primed and ready to jump into the The Season Of Cancer. I had my surgical consult scheduled for August 3rd and would jump into it with both feet.

So this morning Kaiser calls and reschedules my Wednesday appointment to Friday. For heaven’s sake, it’s only 2 days!  *steps away to lay on the ground to kick and scream* 

In my Strengths Finder test, one of my strengths was Activator. Looks like it’s also my weakness. Doing nothing is anathema but that’s what God wants so I’ll cool my jets, adjust the timeline in my PERT Chart and wait.

God’s purposes cannot be thwarted or rushed. 

I’m going to need more popcorn.


Mexico Post-Mortem

August 1, 2016

I can’t believe it’s over. It was an awesome 5 weekends spread over a 6 week period. Months of preparation and hours of work and planning come to fruition. I know people were blessed. I hope most of all that God was glorified.

There was wonderful worship, deep fellowship and a couple of heart-breaking problems. I hugged a lot of people. I had to let go of things I couldn’t control which was just about everything and God never missed a thing. 

I revealed to the general public that I have cancer. That went way better than I expected.

Physically I was about as useless as I could be. But, I have never felt so used of God in my life. In my greatest physical weakness God’s strength was made perfect. 

I even felt loved on occasion which is tremendously scary. 

They team did some amazing ministry at the orphanage and in the valley surrounding it. I helped get them all there so that’s something I guess.

I am very happy. I thought I’d be depressed after it was all over. I’m not. I hope with my whole heart that God lets me stay useful. I know I’ll probably never again be as busy as I have been these last few months but I hope He gives me purpose.

You’re never poor if you’ve got something to give away.

God will take care of me like He always has.


Tired

July 25, 2016

WARNING: THIS WAS WRITTEN DURING A LOW POINT AND WHILE I’M HESITANT TO PUBLISH THIS, IN THE INTEREST OF TRANSPARENCY I HAVE TO DO IT. 

 It’s been a wild ride the last couple of months. I am so fat and out of shape that walking to my car makes me sweat bullets. I think I’m having mini anxiety attacks because I find it hard to breathe. God says “Be anxious for nothing” but I’m not doing so well in that. It’s funny but the idea of cancer and surgery doesn’t bother me.

There been a campfire devotional taught for 3 weeks of the 4 where the speaker describes Jesus taking him into the place prepared for him in heaven. Jesus pulls back this curtain there is this fantastic pen and ink drawing of his life. It has some colored highlights and is absolutely beautiful. Jesus reviews his life with him and then they start to leave when a gust of wind raises the corner on another curtain and a flash of brilliant color shows through. Jesus doesn’t really want to but at the speaker’s insistence pulls back the curtain on an incredible, Technicolor masterpiece. Jesus tells him that it was what his life could have been had he listened and obeyed God’s voice.  And he’s a pastor.

I’ve mostly wasted my life making bad decisions from birth. I love my kids and am proud of their kind hearts but they are so wounded. One has such anger issues that they prevent having loving relationships. They’ve been so hurt but in spite of my failures they are good people. They don’t love Jesus and are angry at God. They are so foul-mouthed and angry that it hurts my soul. Because of the lousy fathers I picked for them and my failure as a Christian witness.

I worry about my grandbabies going to hell but the father of one of my grandsons attacks Christianity and religion so vehemently on a regular basis that I’m scared to tell him anything. I’m afraid to talk to them about God. I’ve never been good at it. I’ve always been so overwhelmed by my failures that I just figured they’d laugh in my face and I’d make God look bad.

So after listening to this same lesson about the murals, in my mind I can see Jesus pulling off the Kleenex and revealing the post-it note that is my life to reveal the words,”Mexico ” in pencil. I’m almost too ashamed to go to heaven but it has always been my only hope.

Back in early spring I asked the Lord to just get me through this summer. Before I had any idea of the cancer. It was like I could feel myself losing life everyday. I’m so tired I’m ready.

I dread seeing that post-it note of my life but there’s not much I can do here anymore. I can sit in one place and work the computer. I’m grateful that God lets me use my one ability to still serve Him. Maybe my post-it note will have a little colored Mexican flag. :)


My Drug Of Choice

July 23, 2016

If you see it in the store, buy it for me and I’ll pay you back. It’s not the Puffcorn. It’s hard to find so when I do I usually buy it all. 

It’s $1.49 now. I should probably go to Celebrate Recovery and try to get off it but not right now. I haven’t hit bottom yet. I’m sure Bill W has something to say about it. I’ll ask him later. Call me Cleopatra – the queen of denial.


Just A Quick Nap In The MRI Machine

July 16, 2016

By Wednesday I should have scientific proof I have a brain. Lord willing, this will be clear of the cancer and the surgery will take care of everything.

I’ve been light-headed lately and having trouble catching my breath. I’m sure it’s anxiety. The Lord said “Be anxious for nothing”  I’m upping my prayer game and begging him for an extra measure of faith. This is where the rubber meets the road. Can I walk my talk? Not without his help, that’s for sure.

I’m so blessed to be surrounded by so much love and support.

Please pray for my friend Joan. Her cancer metastasized to her brain. She is my example in this. I met her the first time she signed up for a Mexico trip and have loved her ever since. Please pray for her and her husband Charlie. Thank you.


Saved By Praise

July 13, 2016

So, if they’re going to cut out the cancer they’re going to remove a section of my lung. They had to test my lung function. This was scary because I had one of these tests a couple of years after my initial cancer surgery and I didn’t do very well. The doctor frowned a lot.

I was so afraid that if I didn’t do well on this test, they wouldn’t be able to do the surgery. I was so worried I began having an anxiety attack. Trouble breathing. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic.

The tech was really nice and we started the test. After the first go-through he said, “You’re a Singer, aren’t you? You sing at church.” 

With a shocked look on my face I nodded.

“Thought so. You guys always do well.”

I’ve been singing and leading worship for most of my life. The first time I sang special music at church I was 3 years old. I lead worship in children’s church with my Aunt Gladys at 10. If there was a choir, I was in it. Music used to be the biggest part of my identity. It was my worship language. I always felt like God smiled when I sang.

I asked him “How’d you know?”

“You needed a 70 to pass the test. 100 would be good. You got a 137. Singers, divers, musicians know how to breathe.”

Not only was God smiling when I sang, he was probably laughing that while I was praising him I was saving myself.

God has always taken care of me.


The Breathing Test Came Out Amazing

July 12, 2016

I was so scared. If I can’t breathe well enough south they be able to do the surgery. Oh Lord I’m old and fat and out of shape. Help!

I needed a 70 to pass and I got a 137. Hallelujah! 


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